Photo Albums
by wowfuckthis
Summary: America sneaks into England's house to see his old photo albums. Since he lacks subtlety, he gets caught! How will he get out of this situation and what will happen when he sneaks back in? And why is America pretending to be Canada? Human names used.
1. The Pants

**Author's Notes: **

**Ok, here's another one-shot because I'm getting too lazy to update my other story. I have situational writer's block, if that make sense? I can write this stuff but can't think up anything for my other story. *sigh***

**And of course, thanks goes to my wonderful beta, ****LupinandHarry****! Such a big help with all my stuff! **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this because it's all I have right now. :(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia  
**

Alfred can't help but crack up every time he sees pictures of Arthur from the 1960's through the 1980's. They're hard to find. The paranoid Briton keeps them under lock and key in his house. Lock and key!

Even that can't stop the curious nation.

Sure, those years had been crazy in America but England must have been on something insane during that time.

Nothing beats seeing Arthur in leather pants, piercings in almost any patch of free skin, and hair all colors of the rainbow.

If he had pictures like this of himself he would have them on display. Alfred thinks it's important to learn to laugh at yourself. Plus, anyone who came over to his house would get a laugh out of it too.

So, here he is. In Arthur's attic. Looking at photo albums. If Arthur really hates the pictures he should have burned them. Just about anyone can pick a lock these days.

He stares at the pages and pages of ridiculous outfits, hamburger in one hand, album resting on his lap. He's so engrossed he doesn't even hear the door slamming downstairs or the angry mutterings of the Englishman who had just arrived home. He doesn't notice the soft, classical music that has been put on either.

One particular picture, Arthur in pants so tight it's a wonder he could get them on (or off for that matter), makes Alfred bust out laughing, rather loudly. And of course, the pants are bright red.

'_I bet he still wears them under his normal clothes because he couldn't get them off' _

he thinks.

Alfred makes a mental note to look into this (somehow) as he finishes off his hamburger.

Then he notices the silence. It's quiet. Too quiet. Just like a scary movie where the victim realizes the murderer is in the house with them. He's the hero though, he can't be the victim. Then again, some movies have the hero and the victim as the same person.

He tries to convince himself he is still the hero. Caught up in his thoughts, he doesn't detect the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs until they are too close.

Alfred tucks himself into the darkest corner of the attic; a few spiders don't bother a hero. He ducks as low as he can, hoping not to be seen. He can just barely see the door as it opens to reveal Arthur, who looks rather annoyed.

'_You can't see me. You can't see me. You can't see me'_

Alfred thinks these thoughts toward Arthur, hoping his mind control powers will finally activate (after all, what's a hero without his mind control powers?).

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Arthur stares around for a couple seconds before spotting Nantucket sticking up between a few boxes near the more shadowy corner of his attic.

"ALFRED! GET OUT OF MY BLOODY ATTIC! You aren't allowed up here. What are you doing?"

Realization dawns on Arthur. Alfred flinches as he continues.

"ARE THOSE MY PHOTO ALBUMS! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT THOSE?"

Alfred is panicking a little. Maybe if he plays dead it'll go away.

Then it comes to him.

Carefully (and quietly) Alfred slides the album between a couple of boxes and the runs his hands through his hair, making it uncombed and tousled. He then begins his act.

Timidly, he stands up, using the skills of all the actors from his country to bring tears to his eyes. The American puts on his best fearful expression and faces Arthur.

The gentleman stares at the usually smiling face of the proud nation in alarm.

"Alfred? Are you crying?" concern fills his voice, "Don't cry. I wasn't…I didn't…It came out wrong. I didn't mean to yell. Are you feeling all right? You don't normally cry"

'_Here comes the hard part'_ Alfred thinks.

He focuses on softening his voice and responds.

"Oh, England, I'm sorry. I—" pause for a rather loud sniffle "—I was over visiting France when he started flirting with me too much. I got s-s-sc-scared so I thought I would be safe hiding up here." More sniffles and a wipe of the eyes, done clumsily with both hands, like a child would (he's such a good actor, he is going to get out of this, no doubt).

"What? You were visiting France? And _you _were scared? America, are you sure you're not sick? Did your stock market crash again?"

And now the real kicker:

"Wha-what? I-I-I'm not America."

"Oh, right. Of course you're not. How silly of me. You're…er…just a minute…I know it… Who are you again?"

"C-C-Ca-Canada."

"Oh" confusion was evident on his face as he continued. "Well, you're free to stay here, lad. That wine crazed frog needs to learn some boundaries."

"Th-thanks. Now that I think about it, I told Alfred I would be home in a couple hours, so I should probably go."

He comes out from behind the boxes that were blocking most of his body. He just about at the door to the stairs when England stops him.

"Canada," Crap. That sounded sarcastic, "what in the world are you wearing?"

Alfred looks down, examining his attire. He doesn't see anything wrong with it.

T-shirt under grey sweatshirt. Normal? Check

Worn sneakers. Normal? Check.

Baggy jeans with belt through them. Normal? Check.

Jeans almost falling of his butt, revealing checkered boxers. Normal? Maybe not.

'_Dang it! I was so close!'_

America bounds down the stairs, not even bothering to keep up the act.

"Well, you know. Times are changing! Haha!" he hollers as he races toward the door.

"ALFRED F. JONES! GET YOUR BADLY CLOTHED SELF BACK HERE! DON'T RUN WHEN I'M TRYING TO CATCH YOU!" Arthur screams.

America bolts through the door and doesn't stop running. He looks over his shoulder to see Arthur running after him but he's too slow. Alfred laughs at his luck and doesn't look back.

Two Weeks Later:

Alfred can't help himself and is back in Arthur's attic. The photo album was still where he had hidden it.

He spends a couple hours up there with a large supply of hamburgers as well as drinks. The pictures are just as funny as they always are.

Then he hears it.

It's not footsteps. It's not classical music.

Rock.

He hears rock music. This peaks his curiosity. Quietly he opens the attic door and tip toes down the stairs. They squeak but can't be heard over the blaring music. He would have never guessed Arthur still listened to this kind of music.

The lyrics begin, blasting into his ears along with Arthur's voice as he sings along.

"When I get high, I get high on speed. Top fuel funny cars. A drug for me. My heart, my heart, kickstart my heart"

"_Wha-what! Did he just say get high on speed! I knew he was on something!'_

Alfred dares himself to look around the corner and can't believe his eyes.

Arthur.

Arthur in tight leather pants.

Arthur in tight, red, leather pants.

Arthur in _the _tight, red, leather pants.

And he doesn't even notice Alfred standing there. He's really into his air guitar and singing. His hair is spiked in all directions and there is dark make up around his eyes. Only one thing comes to the American's mind at this point.

Blackmail.

He whips out his phone and starts taking pictures, thankful that the music is loud enough to drown out the sound of the fake camera clicks.

As the song ends, Arthur turns. Alfred sees the anger in his face through the screen on his phone and is sure the look of pure delight on his face is very clear on his own. He takes one last picture before scrambling toward the door, a smug smile on his face.

Arthur stands at the door, too embarrassed to follow.

He marvels at how fitting the song that is now playing is.

'_It's the same ole, Same ole situation. It's the same ole, same ole ball and chain'_

**AN: So…review please? If not, go read my other stories and review those.**

**I'm desperate for feedback, if you can't tell. XP **


	2. Alfred's Letter

**Author's Notes: Ok, so people really enjoyed this "one-shot" which is now an actual story. **

**Here's a letter from Alfred to Arthur regarding the "pants" issue. **

**Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia**

Hey Arthur,

Just thought I should letcha know that I have plenty of blackmail photos. And I will use them when the time arises.

There isn't really any need for you to be embarrassed, few people can actually pull off tight, leather pants. Let alone in the color red. Congrats, my friend (we are still friends, right? I know I threatened to blackmail you earlier but that's what friends do ^o^).

Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting your arrival in the States. Only a couple more weeks, right? You'll be coming from across the pond!

You know, I never really understood that saying. You're coming across an ocean, not a pond. And people call me stupid, ha!

Anyway, please don't be mad that I caught you doing something embarrassing. You've seen me do embarrassing things. Like that one time when I…oh wait, I'm too heroic to do embarrassing things. Hahaha!

If you want, when you visit, I can teach you how to be more heroic and avoid embarrassment.

Now that I think about it, if you're not embarrassed by the photos then they aren't really blackmail, are they?

By the way, I have something to tell you that should make you very proud. I found the book "The Atmosphere" and I read the whole thing! It was the most boring thing I have ever read in my life.

I already knew about the atmosphere. Like, C.O.N.A.N (carbon dioxide, oxygen, nitrogen, argon, nitrogen)? And the stuff about the Mesosphere and the Thermosphere, I knew that too. Thanks for the "help" though. The book did have some cool pictures in it, so that made it more bearable.

Also, I have a favor to ask. Could you possibly take back that pal of yours, Robert Pattinson? He's causing a lot of riots here. Plus, I heard he doesn't shower very often. That's gross, Iggy. Don't you make sure that your people learn good hygiene?

I take that back, I've seen your people's teeth and they're disgusting. You might want to work on that. I could help, since I'm the hero and have great teeth and hygiene.

I know you've probably heard about the oil spill along my coast lately (unless you live under a rock, which I know you don't since I broke into was visiting just the other day) so don't be alarmed when you see me with smudges on the tops of my feet. It's only the oil. It is all under control, I swear. My president even said so and he's not a liar.

Well, that's all really. I'm hungry so I'm going to go to McDonalds and eat a big Mac and fries and a drink. Oh, and maybe an ice cream sundae. Well, gotta go! Bye, dude!

Your Gangsta from the hood,

Alfrizzle.

**AN: You don't have to review this if you don't want to. I want you to, but that's beside the point. **

You should check out this link to a funny comic by *eokani on deviant art. It kind of went along with the last chapter, only it's funnier. Ironically, I found it a couple days after I posted this story. .com/?q=canada%20and%20america&order=9&offset=168#/d279jri Seriously, check it out! 


	3. Arthur's Letter

**Author's Notes: Ok, I was on a role so here's a letter from Arthur in response to Alfred's letter. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia. **

Dear Alfred,

Who in the bloody wide world is "Alfrizzle"? You get stranger and stranger every day, I swear. And this "gangsta" rubbish? I have no idea what you're talking about or where the "hood" is.

As for the blackmail photos: I have no idea what you're talking about. I was never wearing red, leather pants. I think you must have dreamed this. The hamburger fat is seeping to your brain and killing what few brain cells you actually have.

Even if you did catch me wearing red, leather pants (what a preposterous idea! I could pull them off though, you're right. That's a first.) I wouldn't be embarrassed. I'm Arthur Kirkland, I don't get embarrassed. I do not require any kind assistance from you whatsoever. Thank you for your concern.

Perhaps you have forgotten that I raised you and have plenty of embarrassing stories about your childhood I can share.

I hate to pop your bubble "friend", but real friends don't blackmail each other for fun, no matter what Prussia has told you. That is an uncouth thing to do. I can't believe I still have to tell you these things, you're almost an adult.

As for my visiting, I could lie (unlike your first and sixteenth president) and say I am looking forward to it; however, I'm not. Still, I will make the trip. I'm getting tired of all the bloody rain.

You really are an idiot, aren't you? It's a saying. Pond=ocean in that context.

Alfred, "the atmosphere" isn't a book. Do I need to break this down for you or do you understand now? Now, learn how to read the atmosphere!

You can keep that vampire-wannabe. What makes you think I'd want him back?

I have GREAT hygiene, thank you very much. Just because one British person doesn't have good hygiene doesn't mean everyone is like that.

As for our teeth, they are fine. I don't have such ridiculously high standards about dental hygiene like you do. Do have any idea how bizarre braces look? I'd rather have a few crooked teeth.

And stop calling me "Iggy". Arthur will do just fine (that's why people have been calling me that for the past thousand or more years. It's my name, unlike Iggy).

I have heard about the oil spill. Who hasn't? Everyone likes to see you fail, Alfred (hate to break it to you…oh wait…no I don't!).

Why would I even be looking at your feet? Has it become unpopular to wear shoes in America now? Even if I _did_ see your feet, I doubt I would care if they were covered in oil. It would be the least of my worries. What I am worried about is that hair of yours. It's getting too long; like that frog princess's who lives to the east of me.

Define "under control". Whatever you think it is, it's completely different from my definition.

I hope you enjoyed your heart attack in a meal.

Dude? That word isn't in the dictionary so don't use it (like that ridiculous word "poned". That is not a word either).

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland.

P.S. What does "^o^" mean? Is this some secret code? I don't have time for juvenile games Alfred.


	4. Revenge Plan : Peter!

**Author's Note: Like I said, I was on a role so I got three chapters done in one day! **

**Here's Arthur's great plan for revenge! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia. **

Arthur has the perfect plan for revenge.

Alfred is going to pay for sneaking into his house (Twice! He'd even changed the locks after the first incident). Arthur has been around long enough to learn the perfect ways to get revenge.

Unlike popular sayings, revenge is best served at a mild, unassuming temperature so that the victim is unsuspecting and doesn't realize what has happened until it is too late.

His plan for revenge has only improved now that Alfred had invited him to visit in a couple weeks.

He just has to make one phone call.

Later, on the phone:

"Please Peter. It'll only be for a couple weeks."

"No! Why would I do anything for you?

"I'm your father, you ungrateful brat!"

"Ha! Father? That's someone who cares. Like Sweden"

"I built you, you little annoyance! Looking back, that was stupid idea. Sweden? I-is he around?"

"He can be if I want him to be. What's in it for me anyway?"

"Anything you want."

"To be recognized as a country."

"Anything but that."

"But you sai—"

"I changed my bloody mind!"

"Fine, I want new video games."

"Deal."

"So, what do I have to do?"

**AN: Oooh! Cliff hanger, kind of! Review? **

**I always pictured everyone being afraid of Sweden, except for maybe Russia. He's sort of becoming one of my favorite characters! **


	5. Yo Artie

**Author's Notes: Dang, I am on a role. Think of these letters as fillers until the next real chapter is done. They aren't lame fillers though, they're totally awesome (like Prussia). **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia. **

Yo Artie,

"Alfrizzle" is my gangsta name, dude. The "hood" is my home. You've seriously never heard of any of this? Maybe you do live under a rock…

Don't pretend like you have no idea what's going on. I _know _I saw you dancing in tight, leather pants with make up on your face. I'm almost 100% sure it was real. I know the difference between the real world and dreams. And hamburger fat doesn't kill brain cells.

Yea, well, I'm taking my concern back anyway if you're going to pretend nothing happened. Seriously, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Leather pants are coming back. You're starting a trend. And no one will know you were the first one if I don't show them the pictures.

I don't get it. I didn't have any embarrassing moments when I was little. I was totally awesome! Awesome people (like Prussia and me…but mostly me) don't have embarrassing moments.

Prussia didn't tell me that! I know blackmailing is good fun between friends so don't lie to me! And, by the way, I _am _and adult, not _almost_ one. I've been an independent country for almost three hundred years. You're getting old if you keep forgetting important stuff like that. But don't worry, when you check into the old folks' home I'll be there to wheel you around in your wheelchair. I'm just a hero like that.

Presidents Washington and Lincoln appreciate your truthfulness, even though it hurts. I think you're secretly looking forward to this trip. Wait…that would mean you were lying about telling the truth! I take back the thing about the presidents. They are frowning down at you from wherever they are. You're breaking their poor, dead hearts. How horrible! Don't worry guys, I still tell the truth!

Why would a pond ever equal and ocean? That doesn't make sense. I don't care if it's the context. It's stupid. I bet you made up that saying.

What do you mean it's not a book? What other type of "Atmosphere" is there to read? I'm really not getting it. I guess there could be a different book called "The Atmosphere" that I could read. You're confusing me.

Please take him back! Please! He's really gross. And he thinks he can sing, which he can't. You touched him first so he's your responsibility.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, my friend (because we **are **friends). Just remember shower once a day and brush twice for two minutes. Braces don't look bizarre; they are improving the ugly smiles of people everywhere.

Iggy? Artie? Arthur? What's the difference? They all work. And you know I'm talking to you when I use your nicknames so I don't see the problem.

Who likes to see me fail? That's horrible! I try to be nice to everyone and this is what I get in return? I thought you said if you're nice to other people, they'll be nice to you. Was that another one of your lies? Stop making my dead presidents cry!

Why wouldn't you see my feet? I don't wear socks and shoes all the time like you do. Are you telling me you don't care about the crisis in the Gulf? That water could wash up on your shores and then your feet would be dirty too.

My hair isn't that long. Mattie's hair is almost the same length as France's. If you want to lecture someone about it, lecture him. He still does what people tell him to even though he's his own country. I think he forgets that sometimes.

If someone kisses France, the frog princess, does that mean he'll turn into a real princess or a frog? Or maybe some monster hybrid that a hero (like myself) will have to defeat! Yeah! Go kiss him Artie so we can find out!

My meal had no heart attacks in it, actually. It was delicious. You don't know what you're missing.

Dude is so a word! Look it up in the dictionary and then you will be poned (that is a word as well). I think I would know since Noah Webster (an AMERICAN) invented the first dictionary.

Your home-skillet,

Straight Train Jumpa

(I typed my name into this gangsta-name-generator and this is what I got. Isn't it awesome?)

P.S. Can't you tell "^o^" is a face? Japan showed me all these cool Japanese text faces so now I'm using them. Aren't they cute? Ere-hay is-say a-ay (?) ode-cay or-fay you-ay.

**AN: So that stuff at the end is Pig Latin. I wasn't really sure how to write it properly. It says "Here is a code for you" if you couldn't tell. **

**I really did type Alfred's name into a "gangsta-name-generator" and that's the name I got. **

**I was looking back at Alfred's other letter and realized that the link to the funny comic didn't copy properly. Darn those filters. Oh, well. **


	6. Arthur's Second Letter

**Author's Notes: Hey, I warned ya, I'm on a role. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia **

Dear Alfred,

"Straight Train Jumpa"? That makes absolutely no sense. You need to get over this faze. Why wouldn't you say "neighborhood" instead of "hood". It makes you much easier to understand when you use words properly (it's still pretty difficult with that bloody accent of yours).

Leather pants may be "coming back" in America but so are jackets will shoulder pads. Here in England, where we actually have a sense of style, leather pants are not fashionable. Not that it matters to me, since I was never wearing any in the first place.

Now whose the one avoiding the subject? Are you trying to tell you've forgotten your entire childhood, which I was around for?

I am not getting old. Even if I was in a retirement home, I would not allow you to push me around in a wheelchair. You'd crash it, like you crashed my brand new car when you were younger. I don't trust you around vehicles of any type. In fact, I don't trust you around anything really. Somehow, you can turn anything into a death trap.

If you're an adult then act like one because, based on your behaviour, you're still a child.

Trust me, I was telling the truth about my visit. I don't care if your presidents think I'm lying, they're dead! That means they can't hear you. They don't have hearts to break if they're dead. If they did (which is impossible since dead people are gone for good and can't have broken heats) then I still wouldn't care. They weren't my presidents.

POND = OCEAN. Get it into your head. It's not unintelligent; I think it's a rather smart saying.

I give up on "The Atmosphere" thing. Just forget about it. You really are quite thick.

You touched him last so you have to keep him. Since you asked me a favor (which I'm not complying to) I should be allowed to ask you one. Please take back that guy (and I say that with care because_ he_ might be a _she_. The voice is just too high to tell), Justin Bieber. I think that's…its…name. He's causing trouble everywhere!

Not just here in England but in France as well (actually, that was good. Seeing that frog so worried was hilarious. Nice work). However, both Northern and Southern New Zealand came running to me crying because of that guy. And usually Southern New Zealand can handle that kind of stuff, he's pretty tough. Do something about it!

Stop insulting my hygiene! At least I have a better diet that you do. My people are healthy and yours aren't.

I'm starting to doubt our "friendship".

And please, just call me Arthur. How many times do I have to ask?

I wasn't lying about the being nice to people saying. It's true. There's a difference between being helpful and obnoxious. You don't seem to be able to distinguish between the two, unfortunately. Once again, dead people can't cry or have broken hearts…they're dead.

You should wear socks and shoes all the time if your feet are that repulsive. I am a little worried (but only a little) about the Gulf Coast. Those poor animals and plants. Their very livelihood is at stake. I doubt the water will wash up on my coast. It would have to go "across the pond".

Who's Mattie?

There is no bloody way I will kiss that prat. It was a figure of speech. He's not actually a princess (but he is definitely a frog; a disgusting, wine-addicted frog).

I have had that garbage you call "food" and I am utterly positive that there is nothing I am missing.

Do you honestly think Noah Webster was the first person to think up a dictionary? The first purely English alphabetical dictionary was _A Table Alphabeticall_, written by English schoolteacher Robert Cawdrey in 1604. The only surviving copy is found at the Bodleian Library in Oxford. I believe that makes me the first one to have a dictionary.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland

P.S. I suppose it does look a bit like a face. It is sort of cute. Really? Pig Latin? That's the best you could come up with for a code? You have so much to learn.

**AN: I always imagined New Zealand as two people since there's a northern a southern island and they hate each other. Well, mainly everyone just hates Auckland but that's in the north so…**

**I'd say the northern island is a proper, slightly arrogant girl while the southern island is more a more relaxed, fun-loving (but tough) guy. Just my take on it. **

**Review? **


	7. From, the Wannabe Pirate

**Author's Notes: Hehe, another one. I can't help myself. These letters are fun to write. **

Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia.

Whaz up, Fried Green Monkey Smuggla?

I found out your gangsta name too! It might possibly be better than my own, but only by a little. You need to catch up on the times, FGMS (look! I turned it into an acronym!).

We have style in America. Have you seen me lately? I look hot! I don't see anything wrong with jackets that have shoulder pads. They're not that bad. Trust me man, you ain't got nothing on American style.

I haven't forgotten my childhood. I remember every awesome moment.

Why couldn't I help you in a retirement home? Do you know how awesome wheelchair races could be? I only crashed that car once. I wouldn't crash a wheelchair. You would be in charge of steering and I would be in charge of speed, duh. We could be an amazing duo. The Heroic Young Hero and his trusty side kick, Old Man. I can see it already!

I act like a very mature adult. Surely you've seen the way I've been handling this Gulf Crisis. It's so mature. You have no idea.

Dead people have feelings too, Iggy. How would you like it if you died and everyone starting doing things you hated? It would make you so sad. Not even your imaginary friends would be able to cheer you up. My dead presidents definitely have feelings. You're just jealous because I realized this before you did.

I can't believe you don't want to visit me. I was your favorite once. Remember that? Or are you getting to senile to remember things from the past? The geezer farm is calling!

I don't really like the "pond" saying. You would think it was smart, since you thought it up.

Thanks a bunch, pal. Now I have to keep that creepy sparkle fairy. You like fairies, so take him with you.

STOP BLAMING ME FOR THAT PERSON! Justin Bieber isn't from America! Blame Canada (you know the country to the…uh…which way is again…I forgot where I was going with that). I have to agree with you though. I'm not sure what gender that guy (girl?) is.

New Zealand…New Zealand? Where have I heard that name before? Umm..oh! Got it! Is that where the Lord of the Rings movies were made? They're wimps, whoever they are. I didn't cry when that punk invaded my country. All I can say is thank Canada.

My people are too healthy. What's wrong with a balance diet of hamburgers and fries? They keep you going through the day and that's what counts.

I'm not insulting your hygiene, I'm pointing out its flaws.

I think our friendship is going really well. These letters are so fun to write. We're like pen pals! I've always wanted a pen pal! This is so great! We can send letters to each other forever and ever until 2012 when the world ends.

Dead people do cry! I'd cry if I was dead. I think the whole world would cry if I died. I'd want a heroic funeral with soldiers and people telling epic tales about all my heroic and amazing adventures. If I die, make sure that's the kind of funeral I get (but I won't die before you so it shouldn't be a problem).

Shut up about the freaking pond! All your worried about are the animals and plants? What about my feet? I have been going through six pairs of socks a day! That's why I don't like to wear them; they just get dirty no matter what I do.

Mattie…you know, my brother. The one you always think is me but isn't really. He's the one responsible for the Justin kid. So don't beat me up about it (not that you really could since California is bigger than you).

I was only wondering about the frog-princess-hybrid thing, you don't have to bite my head off. Would it be cool if that's what happened though? Then at my funeral (which will probably never occur because I'm the greatest country ever and will never die) people can talk about how I saved the world from the wretched frog-girl-beast. It's too bad France is just a normal frog though. What a bummer.

You're one to talk. Have you tried your own food lately? Oh wait…I forgot you don't have taste buds and can therefore eat that crap _you _call food. Sometime I wonder if you even have a real tongue or if it's a fake one because your actual tongue fell out and died due to abuse.

My dictionary is better than your dictionary!

Your boy from the hiz-house,

Androgynous Sam Drake (that's my pirate name!)

**AN: These name generator things are the greatest thing ever. **

**Sorry if I offended any Robert Pattinson/Justin Bieber fans.**

**Edit: Sorry for taking this chapter off and then putting it back up again so many times. I kept noticing different mistakes every time I went to proof read it!  
**


	8. From, The Real Pirate

**Author's Notes: I'm glad all y'all are enjoying these letters. I'll continue 'em for a little while and then put up phase one of Arthur's revenge plan. Mmmwaahahaha (evil laughter)! **

**Then I was thinking about doing some letters between Alfred and Matthew while he deals with Arthur's revenge. Good idea? Yes? No? If you don't say anything then I'm going to do it.**

** I could also do it as a separate fic with Alfred writing letters to several different countries.**

** Disclaimer: I don't own Axis: Powers Hetalia. **

Dear Alfred,

I'm not a gangster (and neither are you) so I don't need an outlandish "gangsta" name. Your people are mad. This gangster craze needs to end.

I'm glad you understand how acronyms work. Perhaps you're not as stupid as you look (wait…yes you are. Never mind).

I suppose you do look "hot" since it's summer time in the US. If by "hot" you mean "attractive" then, no, you don't look "hot".

I "ain't got nothing" on American style? That's a double negative which means I _do _have something on American style. Here in the UK, we always dress our best. You are much too casual in the United States. I taught you how to dress when you were younger and even bought you that nice suit (which you have, no doubt, gotten too fat for).

If you only remember the splendid moments of your childhood that means you must have forgotten the terribly awkward moments.

I AM NOT OLD! Even if I was old, it is inconceivable to think I would let you push me around in the wheelchair so we could have races. Besides, if I did become old (that won't happen because, in case you haven't noticed, we nations don't age. Just look a China) and want to race I would never let your name come before mine (It would be The Outstanding Arthur Kirkland and his freakishly strong [but dim-witted] sidekick.) The only reason you would be on my team is because of your strength (it's outlandish that they let someone as irresponsible as you be that strong).

I have, regrettably, seen the way you are handling the Golf Coast. It's really a shame that your government can't seem to get some power over this situation. Perhaps you should ask Mexico for some help, since it is his gulf you've filled with oil.

Mature isn't how I would describe your behaviour. At least you're trying, I suppose.

My friends aren't imaginary! They are as real as the odd alien friend of yours. By the way, people do things I hate now, it wouldn't make a difference if I was dead or alive. Actually, it would be better if I was dead because dead people can't feel anything and, consequently, I wouldn't be annoyed at all.

You were never my favourite, you just seemed very promising when you were younger. What a disappointment you turned out to be.

Let's just drop the pond issue, shall we?

I know what fairies are and Robert Pattinson isn't one of them. He sparkles more than real fairies do.

Now who's the liar? How would a pleasant country like Canada produce such an annoying "singing sensation"? Anything as annoying as Justin Bieber would have to come out of America (or Australia).

How could you not know New Zealand? Those two are on pretty friendly terms with you. They aren't "wimpy", they joined WWII before you did (just like every other country did, that's why they're part of the Commonwealth and you're not).

I would "thank" Canada for that Bieber kid if I could find him (I still think it's your fault he's such a big deal though).

You clearly don't understand what a balanced diet is. It NEVER involves fries and burgers

My hygiene has no flaws.

We aren't pen pals. Do you seriously think the world is going to end in 2012? I can't believe you even consider that theory to be more than a rumor. You do realize that if the world ends in 2012 you'll die and have to have a funeral (but if the world is gone then there won't be any funeral parlors around). No one would cry if you died. Not even me. What epic stories could anyone possibly tell about you (if anyone did survive the end of the world)?

In addition, if you did die and could actually have feelings, that would make you a ghost.

Do you seriously care about your feet more than your animals and plant life? You truly are selfish. I don't care how many socks you go through, keep those brutes covered up.

Oh, I understand now. Mattie = Canada. I really must give him a piece of mind concerning the "Bieber fever" (It's both of your faults, now that I think about it) that my people (and yours. And Australia's. and France's. And everyone's people, in reality) seem to have caught.

It would be fantastic if France turned into a more disgusting beast than he already is and you killed him. The UK would celebrate along with you. Good riddance.

Your mind is a truly frightening place, isn't it? I shudder to even think about the thoughts that you conjure up. My tongue is real (that was one of the most illogical thoughts you have ever had). My food tastes good. Not only does it taste good but it's also good for you. Can you say that about your food? No, I didn't think so.

At least my dictionary has words spelled correctly.

Sincerely, Arthur Kirkland

(that's my pirate name). P.S. You were never a pirate and never will be. Trust me, I know.

**AN: I think wheelchair races with Alfred and Arthur would be hilarious! If anyone out there has some artistic talent (unlike myself) they should draw that situation.**


	9. From, the Mafia

**Author's Notes: I love writing these letters. They're fun stuff. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia **

Ahoy Doubloon Swallowin' Nigel!

That's your real pirate name. I looked it up. It's much more interesting that "Arthur Kirkland".

Being a gangster is what it's all about. Just like being a pirate and ninja.

It is warm here but that's because I'm here and I'm hot (as in, attractive). Come on, you know I look good. It's ok, I won't make fun of you. I can't see how anyone could not be attracted to me. It just something I've learned to live with.

I'm not fat. Did you know Australia is actually the fattest country in the world? It's totally legit, I swear! More to the point, I didn't keep any of the clothes you gave me. I burned them all. Hahaha. They were all too uncomfortable and fancy.

I don't have awkward moments. I remember my whole entire childhood and there was nothing awkward about it.

You are old. The first step is admitting it, mi amigo (there are so many Mexican people here that I'm starting to learn Spanish!). Using China as an example of non-aging-ness is stupid. Everyone knows that Asians look young forever. I'm not dim-witted and my name would come before yours (A**L**fred vs. A**R**thur. It's the rules of the alphabet). When you finally go to the senior safe haven we are unquestionably having wheelchair races then? I'm holding you to that, Artie.

I would ask Mexico but he's a) ticked off about the oil in his precious gulf (he hasn't even considered how it's affecting my feet!) and b) annoyed about the new law passed in Arizona. I'm actually hiding under my desk as I write this since he keeps hopping the border and trying to attack me. I may be the hero but I know when to hide. If he did find me I could kick his butt, no problem, I just don't want to expend any unnecessary energy.

I am trying to be mature. It's the thought that counts, right? That means I can just think about being mature and not worry about actually putting it into action! Yessss! I am so smart sometimes I scare myself.

"My friends aren't imaginary", you keep telling yourself that and maybe they'll come to life! That was sarcasm, by the way.

Please, I turned out to be more powerful than you were. I was totally your favorite (there's no "u" in favorite, dumb-face).

Fine, we'll drop the pond issue.

"Real fairies". That's an oxymoron (which is a literary device!).

I'm not lying! It really was Canada! It's all his fault the world is being hypnotized by this weirdo!

Australia? Is that next to New Zealand or is it next to Germany and Hungry?

The New Zealand Islands are wimps if they can't handle a thirteen year old human kid with a questionable gender. I don't even want to be part of your stupid Commonwealth anyway.

Why is this Bieber kid my fault? He's not from my country! Canada is to the north of me (unless you're in Alaska, then he's to the east. And you thought I didn't know geography. I sure showed you!).

A hamburger and fries are the definition of a balanced meal. On big Mac weighs as much as an extra large order of fries. I even measured them on a balance and a scale!

I'm pretty sure we are pen pals. We send letters to each other on a fairly regular basis. That makes us pen pals. Hate to break it to ya.

How can you not believe that the world will end in 2012? Those Mayan calendars are completely accurate (and they used to kill people for their pretend gods. I think I'll believe them and avoid death).

Wait…I'm going to die in 2012? This is horrible! I must ask the Mayans to change their prediction!

G-g-ghost? There's no way someone as non-evil and awesome as me could become a ghost!

My feet are important to me! The animals and plants will die one day and be gone but I'm stuck with my feet for the rest of my life.

I think I have the cure to "Bebier fever" and it's…more COWBELL*! Hahahaha, I had to do it.

See? I told you it would be amazing if France turned into a monster and I defeated him! Now go kiss him so we can make this scenario real.

What are you talking about? My mind is a kick-butt-awe-inspiring place. You wish you could be in my mind.

I don't believe you about the tongue thing. I think my theory is perfectly logical. It makes sense that your tongue would fall out and die. The fake tongue would make it difficult to talk but that would explain your accent.

Your food tastes like something died and was rotting on the side of the road and you decided to cook it up. If you want to torture people, use your cooking. It'll work like a charm. They'll be in so much pain they'll talk right away (if they can still talk after all that cruelty to their tongues).

Your dictionary is stupid. Just like the way you misspell words.

Your man with the power,

Heavy Load' Angelo

(My mafia name, of course).

P.S. I could totally pull off being a pirate. What would you know about it anyhow?

**AN: *The cowbell thing is from a hilarious Saturday Night Live Skit with Will Ferrell. Look it up if you haven't seen it. **

**So, I just read today that Australia is the fattest country in the world. 27% of the population is obese, as apposed to America's 26%. Whatever, they're practically equal. **

**I think a lot of Americans could get Australia and Austria mixed up which is why Alfred asks the dumb question about which countries are next Australia.**


	10. From, the Real Pirate again

**Author's Notes: Another letter. There will only be one more (from Alfred) before the real story starts. No one said anything about my Canada letters so I'm doing it. **

**READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES AT THE END PLEASE! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia. **

Dear Alfred,

Arthur Kirkland _is _my real pirate name. You are an idiot.

Being a "gangsta" is not what it's all about. Neither is being a ninja. I'll agree with you about the pirate thing though. That's what it's all about.

I don't think anyone finds you attractive. Especially not me.

Really? Australia? I'll have to have a talk with him about this. He's got the same amount of brain power you do though so it might be a little difficult. The two of you should never meet each other…ever.

The clothes I gave you were uncomfortable because you became to fat for them.

Oh really? No awkward moments whatsoever? Need I remind you of your first crush and the events that followed?

Would you shut up about my age already? I'm not old. "The fist step is admitting it." Isn't that from some twelve step programme to help people stop drinking? It doesn't really apply in this situation.

I don't care that you know a little Spanish, most of the world knows another language you ignorant fool.

Not all Asians look young forever. You really know nothing about the rest of the world do you?

Yes, you are dim-witted. The alphabet has nothing to do with whose name should come first. My name should be first because I'm more mature and obviously in charge of our wheelchair race team. Sigh…fine. If I ever get sent to a retirement home you and I will be a wheelchair race team. We'll be lucky if we can find anyone who would race against us.

If I was Mexico I'd be ticked off with you too. That law is derogatory. It's encouraging racial profiling. If I was you, I wouldn't be too proud of Arizona right now. You need to teach your children to behave. You're hiding under your desk? That's what you get for being a blockhead and not considering other people's feelings when you pass laws. I hope Mexico gets you and you're too out of shape to fight him off.

You are the only one who cares about the condition of your feet.

You can't just think about being mature! That's not how it works. "It's the thought that counts" only applies when you get a gift you don't like. Like last year at Christmas when you have me a gift card to McDonalds. I hated that gift but it was the thought that counted. Sort of.

At least I have friends. Real or imaginary. I could tell that was sarcasm, I didn't need you to clarify.

Yes, you may be more powerful but where has that power gotten you? You weren't my favourite (there is a "u" in favorite "dumb-face" [that's the best you could do?]).

I'm glad you know what an oxymoron is. Why the sudden boost in intelligence? And fairies are real.

You're not lying? I guess you're pretty truthful most of the time so I'll believe you. I just can't imagine how that annoyance came out of…where was it…Canada. He was always so calm and well behaved when you were children. I hardly noticed he was there.

Are you kidding? You don't know where Australia is? Bloody Americans. It's…uh…located next to… Germany. Yep, Germany. That's the truth. Make sure you introduce yourself and call him by his proper name (Australia).

New Zealand isn't weak. That kid is just a freak of nature. You have to admit, even you were a little scared when he first showed up.

It is your fault he's as big as he is. Didn't that Justin Timberlake fellow (an American) help him get popular? He could have stayed a nameless Canadian forever but you had to butt your nose into it.

You know geography? Who's the one who had to ask where Australia was?

That's not how a balanced meal works. It has nothing to do with scales and weighing your food.

I'm pretty sure pen pals actually like each other, and enjoy receiving/sending letters to each other. We are not pen pals.

You do realize the Mayans vanished thousands of years ago right? You can't ask people who don't exist to change their calendar. Maybe you could ask Mexico (if you can get a word in without him sucker punching you in the stomach first. If he does that, make sure you get it on tape so I can laugh at you for years to come. Not that it matters if you don't, I'm sure you'll do something brainless in the future I can laugh at).

You will be a ghost. And I'll laugh at you.

Yes, heaven forbid you be stuck with dirty feet for the rest of your life. What will you do?

I have to admit, the cowbell thing was pretty good. I'll give you that.

There is no bloody way I'll kiss that disgusting, horrible, monstrous, inappropriate, win-addicted, unintelligent, brainless, frog. No bloody way. Get someone else to do it.

The last place I want to be is your mind (if you even have one). You could rent that empty space where your brain should be out to help your failing economy.

What part of me having a fake tongue because my other one fell out is logical? You are the one with the accent (and what an atrocious accent it is).

No, eating your food would be torture. Do you get some sick satisfaction out of insulting me?

Your dictionary is stupid. I spell all words correctly.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland

P.S. You are not in the mafia. You couldn't pull off being a pirate. What do _I_ know about it? Are you pulling my leg? You made that movie, Pirates of the Caribbean; notice how none of the pirates are American? I thought so.

**AN: Arthur really doesn't want Alfred to meet Australia which is why he told him it was near Germany. And he wanted Alfred to look like an even bigger idiot in front of Austria. Poor Alfred. ;)  
**

**IMPORTANT: **

**I'm starting a new fic. It's a challenge for all readers/writers/Hetalia lovers. **

**It involves letters from Alfred! **

**Please check out my story titled "Alfred's Letters to the World ****" for more info if you are interested or to tell me it's a stupid idea. :D **

**Thanks!  
**


	11. From, the Ninja

**Author's Notes: Last letter. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia **

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How's it goin', Vito the Con?

I had to find your mafia name too.

Being a ninja is pretty cool. At least you realize the awesomeness of being a pirate. There's hope for you yet.

Don't lie, I know you find me attractive. Everyone does.

If he's like me he's got to be pretty cool (not as cool as I am though). Why wouldn't I want to meet someone like me?

They were uncomfortable because you were bad at choosing clothes for someone as amazing as me.

Y-you remember that? It wasn't that bad. It was your fault that girl hit me in the first place. You gave me advice on what to do and it was the lamest, most horrible advice ever! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you, but it did because I'm didn't want to hurt your feelings. Because I'm a hero and heroes don't hurt people's feelings (that's also why I ate your cooking).

It's still good advice, after all, you do have a drinking problem. I can get you signed up for AA if you want!

¿Tú hablas español?

They do to look young forever! I know a lot about the rest of the world. For example, it's round and about 70% of it is made of water. So there.

Yes! Wheelchair races here we come! We will dominate! And my name will come first because I'm bigger and stronger than you. The strongest hero always has his name first. Don't you read comics?

I am a little upset with Arizona (a lot of Americans are right now) but I proud of him for making his own decisions. My states are well behaved! They act like true Americans (except for maybe California. I'm a little concerned about her. She's a little loopy).

Mexico would never be able to beat me up! I'm only hiding to save him the pain if he did find me. I would kick his but back over the border easily. It's just unfair for me to use my strength against someone so much weaker than me. I'm just thoughtful like that.

Everyone should be concerned about me feet. You know what I found out? It's all your fault there's an oil spill the gulf in the first place. You know what BP stands for? _British _Petroleum! You are the reason my feet are dirty and Mexico wants to kill me! I'm so going to tell on you to him! Then you'll have to hide under your desk. I can't believe you acted like none of it was your fault. That's not heroic.

So does that mean all I have to do is think about getting a Christmas present? That would save me some money. You told me you liked your gift card! My dead presidents are having heart attacks for all your lies!

I have friends! You're my friend, Japan is my friend, China is my…oh wait, no he's not (crap, I still owe him money). I have tons of friends, I just can't think of them all right now.

That power has gotten me lots of hamburgers and super strength. That's what every superhero needs. There is no "u" in favorite! And "dumb-face" is a great comeback. You couldn't even think up your own, you had to use mine.

I know a lot about literary devices. I've always been this smart. Heroes have to be smart if they want to catch the bad guys!

I know, right? How could Justin Bieber come out of Canada? These are the questions that may never be answered. What do you mean you hardly noticed him when he was younger? Canada lived with us?

YOU BIG LIAR! I looked at a map of the world on the computer and Australia _is_ next to New Zealand not Germany! That was really not nice, Iggy. I don't tell you lies about geography! I bet you're just upset because your economy isn't doing too well. Understandable but not acceptable!

I also looked at New Zealand on the map. Dang, that's a small country. Still, it's bigger than you are (not that that's a difficult feat to achieve).

It wasn't Justin Timberlake. He signed with Usher. Duh. Do your research. It's not like could control the situation! I wish he was still a nameless Canadian. It's still all Canada' fault.

Now I know geography. I have a world map on my computer!

If that's not how a balanced meal works then how does it really work, smarty-pants?

I like sending and receiving mail from you. And I like you. We are pen pals! Yay!

The Mayans don't exist anymore? Then why the heck do I believe their crazy predictions? I'm not going to believe it anymore because I don't want to die. Mexico wouldn't be able to land a punch.

I will not be a ghost! That's not going to happen because I'm not going to die. And you won't be able to see it because you'll die first. I'm younger so I have longer to live.

Christopher Walken is the bomb-diggity. "MORE COWBELL!"

Well, who should I get to kiss him then? I really want to find out what will happen.

I have a brain! I couldn't write you this letter if I didn't have a brain! Don't mention my economy, buddy. Yours isn't doing too well either.

Everything about the Tongue Theory is logical. My accent is heroic. Have you ever heard of a superhero with a British accent? I know I haven't.

My food would be heaven. I'm not insulting you, I pointing out all the things you do wrong. I'm trying to help, like all heroes do.

Your dictionary sucks.

I'll see you when your plane lands!

From the hero hiding the shadows,

Yuuko Zero

(my ninja name).

P.S. Were you a pirate? You should tell me about it when you get here!

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**AN: I looked up Alfred's name on a ninja name generator and on the first one I got "****Drunken Sailor, the Obese Ninja****". It's like a combination of Artie and Alfred. Lol.  
**

**So that was the last letter. The next chapter will be a real chapter (with plot!) and it'll be up soon! **

**So, I thought I might let you know I allow anonymous reviews (as long as you promise not to be a spammer). Just in case that changes your mind about reviewing. ;) **


	12. Revenge Plan: Set in Motion!

**Author's Notes: Sorry this took so long! I've been lazy and busy at the same time. I'm going on a two week trip to my homeland (New Zealand) so yea. I don't know how often I'll be updating during that time but I'll try! **

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and favorited this story. Or favoited me as an author. You guys are awesome. So are all you people who didn't. :D I just love everyone right now I guess. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia **

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Alfred stands in the airport. He is waiting for Arthur to arrive. Although he isn't allowed to actually greet the Brit the minute he gets off the airplane, he doesn't mind the wait; he just needs a way to kill time.

He is a little concerned though. The plane landed fifteen minutes ago and he hasn't seen hide nor hair of his old ruler. He can wait; whatever is causing the hold up is without a doubt, absolutely understandable.

While waiting, he can't help but recall times in the past that Arthur had visited. When Alfred was still a young nation, Arthur had decided it was time he lived in his own country rather than in England with him. This thrilled Alfred until he realized he was going to be left alone. Then he had pouted for days.

Eventually Arthur convinced him it would be fine (it took plenty of bribing and a promise to visit as much as possible).

The busy nation had visited as often as he could.

It wasn't as much as Alfred wanted it to be.

Every time the island nation would visit Alfred would be sure that he had taken a bath and left his room looking spick and span. He wanted Arthur to be proud when he visited.

On one particular trip, Alfred had persuaded Arthur to go river rafting with him down the Mississippi River . It was one of his favorite ways to pass time while Arthur was away. He couldn't have been more than twelve in human years at the time.

The journey had started out fine. They had a splendid trip down the idly moving river. They could talk the whole time without worrying about anything. It was late in the afternoon, right around dusk and the air was thick and humid. The river sang its charming tune, accompanied by the noisy croaks of frogs and engaging chirping of crickets.

Then they neared the rapids. Usually Alfred stopped long before this point but he had been so distracted that he hadn't noticed how close to dangerous waters they had gotten.

Alfred was unable to manage the raft and it spun out of control over the violent, white water.

It was a bumpy ride but Alfred was sure they had gotten through the worst of it. He saw the look of relief on Arthur's face as they seemed to float back into harmless water.

He also saw that relief turn to panic as they hit a large rock, causing Alfred to plunge off the raft and into the cold water.

He can't recall much after that. Just water.

Too much water.

He couldn't breathe or see. All he could feel was terror. He trashed in the roaring waters but it was useless, the current was just too strong for the usually strong swimmer. Alfred couldn't get his head above the water and was running out of air. His lungs were burning and his vision was starting to go black.

He faintly heard a splash in the background but his mind couldn't quite piece together what it was. Alfred didn't want to give up without a fight but his limbs felt so heavy and his body was so tired. Surely he could just rest for a moment, he thought.

Unexpectedly, he felt strong arms around his waist, pulling him up.

Then it all went black.

The next thing he remembers is Arthur kneeling next him, dripping wet on the bank of the river, worry etched in the fine lines on his face.

"Why are you wet? Did you fall in too?"

"No, I-I jumped in saved you actually."

"Really? That's so cool!"

He had sat up at this point to get a good look at his own personal hero. His muscles resisted the sudden movement and he gasped in pain.

"Lay back down, you've been through quite a bit tonight."

"Someday, I'm going to be a great hero like you Artie and save people when they're drowning. I promise!"

He can't remember what Arthur had said after that as the haze of sleep had overtaken his mind.

They had spent the remainder of Arthur's trip bundled under blankets fighting off colds.

Alfred laughs as he thinks about that day. It had been traumatic at the time but looking back, it had been one of his favorite adventures. It helped him become the hero he is today. He still holds true to that promise. He tries to help anyone who it "drowning" literally or metaphorically.

The time on his watch says Arthur's flight landed twenty five minutes ago. Alfred doesn't like to worry but this situation is a little troubling.

Just then, a large group of travelers walk past the waiting area. Alfred smiles brightly at them and offers a polite hello but doesn't see the spiky, blonde hair he knows so well.

After the travelers have pasted he notices a little boy, maybe ten or eleven years old looking around, fear evident on his young face. He looks on the brink of tears and is clutching a rather large suitcase with a Union flag sticker on it.

Alfred has time to spare and walks over to the boy to see what's wrong. Upon getting closer he notices that the boy looks oddly similar to Arthur. He has the same large eyebrows and blonde hair.

"Are you alright?"

"N-n-no. I don't know where I am or what is going on."

"Well, you're in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America."

"Are you sure it's the greatest?"

"Yes. Why? Have you heard differently?"

"I think England is the best country in the world."

'_Of course you do. Who doesn't these days? Stop being bitter! You know America is the best country. Everyone else is just really confused, like this poor kid.'_

"Sir, are you alright"

"What? Oh, yea. What's your name kid?"

"Arthur Kirkland."

"What? I don't think I heard you right. What's you're name?

"Arthur Kirkland. You don't look old enough to be losing your hearing."

"You can't be Arthur. I know Arthur and he is much bigger than you are."

"I think I know who I am."

"Are you a…you know…?"

"A what?"

"Country" He whispers this. It's best that no one know exactly who he is.

"Of course. I'm England."

"Stop playing pranks kid. No you're not."

"I'm not playing pranks! And my name isn't "kid", it's Arthur, just like I already told you."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes. Why would I lie?"

"Fine. I believe you. Do you know who I am?"

"A strange, fat man with a peculiar accent?"

"I am not fat! And you're the one with the "peculiar" accent"

"Whatever. I don't know who you are."

"Well, I'm America."

"I've never heard of you. Where are you located?"

"Uhhh…to the west of England, I think."

"You think? Don't you know any geography at all?"

"I do, actually. England and America are separated by the Atlantic ocean, also known as the "pond" by some."

"That's absurd. The world is flat. If I went westward in a boat I would fall off the edge of the ocean."

"No, _that _is absurd. The world is round."

"You're stupid."

"You're short."

"At least I'm not fat."

"I'm not fat! You were an annoying kid, you know that Artie?"

"What are you talking about, stupid? I've always been this age."

"Come one, I'll take you to my house and explain the way of the world to you."

"Ewww! No thank you. France already tried to do that and it was disgusting. Did you know that frog is addicted to wine and he's practically the same age as I am?"

The seriousness of this situation dawns on Alfred. If the other countries find out he has the child version of Arthur chaos would ensue. He grabs little Arthur's suitcase and drags the much smaller nation by the hand toward the door of the airport.

"Where are we going?"

"My house."

"I bet it's not as nice as my house!"

"I bet your house doesn't have hamburgers."

"What's a h-ai-m-burrr-g-errrr?"

"Only the most wonderful food on this planet earth."

Alfred tows Arthur through the parking lot, a grim smile on his face. This week was going to be almost insufferable.

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**AN: I was going to look up old English phrases for young Iggy *cough..Peter..cough* to use but I'm too lazy so it's not going to happen. Sorry. I don't think Alfred would realize that "Arthur" wasn't speaking correctly anyways. **


End file.
